Bottom 10: Where the teams aren't hot, but the coaches' seats are

Inspirational thought of the week:

Time everlasting
Time to play B sides
Time ain't on my side
Time I'll never know

Burn out the day
Burn out the night
I'm not the one to tell you what's wrong or what's right
I've seen suns that were freezing and lives that were through
But I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you

-- "Burnin' For You," Blue Oyster Cult

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, currently located behind the huge pile of to-go containers that Jess Sims brings home from all of her "College GameDay" road eats segments, we know that where there is smoke, there is also fire. And barbecue. And ash. But hopefully no ash on the barbecue.

There are a lot of chairs being barbecued in college football these days. Hot seats that became kindling, and way too early for an October fall harvest bonfire. UCLA and Virginia Tech became the first FBS teams to part ways in-season with their head coaches, one a legendary former player and the other a legendary former assistant coach. And that has led to a hunka hunka burning "Who's Next?" hot seat lists.

It isn't even really CFB Week 4 yet and hot seats are already... pic.twitter.com/WvZIxzD7fs

It's enough to make one, well, take a seat, and pause to contemplate their place in this world. Might one day we wake up to find an athletic director standing in the door of our office with a pink slip? Or a booster who sells cars and thinks he's an expert on the spread offense standing in our door with a buyout check? Or Lane Kiffin standing in the door of our kitchen with a tape measure and fabric samples? And ... wait ... as we sit here ... did someone spill some Tabasco on this chair or did we accidentally get some muscle rub in our drawers?

With apologies to Navy O-lineman Connor Heater, Ole Miss D-tackle Jon Seaton and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 3 Bottom 10 rankings.

1. UMess (0-3)

The Amherst Amblers fell to 0-3 via a 47-7 loss at Iowa, which was also Kirk Ferentz's 206th victory, making him the winningest coach in Big Ten Conference history. It was a fitting coincidence considering that Ferentz took the Hawkeyes job while the original Minutemen were still in Massachusetts.

2. Sam Houston, We Have a Problem (0-3)

The Bearkats kouldn't enjoy the bye week on their kalendar bekause they still kouldn't kover the spread against Open Date U. Now they will kombat Texas and kuarterbacking konundrum Arch Manning.

3. Eastern Michigan University Emus (0-3)

There are currently 11 0-and-something teams in the FBS, and five reside in #MACtion. Sources have told Bottom 10 JortsCenter that those teams have all asked Ohio if they can have the contact info for West Virginia's scheduling guy.

4. ucLa Boo'ins (0-3)

In related news, sources are also telling us that after firing head coach DeShaun Foster, UCLA officials attempted to see if the NCAA would let them return to the Pac-2, but their calls kept getting kicked to voicemail because the NCAA lines were tied up with all of the UCLA players ringing the transfer portal hotline.

5. Notre Dame Biting Irish (0-2)

Since their dramatic run to the College Football Playoff national title game, the Irish are 0-3. It's not an ugly 0-3. It's 0-3 against three ranked teams by a combined 15 points -- and the two losses this season are by a combined four points. But with no conference championship at their disposal and only one ranked opponent remaining on their schedule, the Irish CFP safety net is thinner than the margin of whether Rudy was or wasn't offside.

6. Virginia Tech No-kies (0-3)

Virginia Tech spent the offseason having its roster raided like a rum runner boat boarded by Jack Sparrow, lost a game to the son of its legendary coach, got run over by Vandy, got blown out by supposed little brother in-state school Old Dominion and fired its head coach so early in the season that the players who were left from the first transfer portal raid could start their own transfer portal exit if they wanted. My pal Marty Smith hasn't been this upset since I accidentally spilled Swiss Miss on his white Air Jordan Dior's.

7. Oregon Trail State (You have died of dysentery) (0-3)

Full disclosure: I am currently writing this in a hotel room in Corvallis, where I'm working on a "College GameDay" feature about the platypus trophy that the Beavers and Ducks will play for this weekend. I am ... pretty ... sure ... they're ... messing ... wItH ... THEE ... hOtEl ... WHYFY ... 2 ... kEEp ... mE ... frum ... FY-LING ... this ... STorY ...

8. Akronmonious (0-3)

I don't want y'all to get too excited, but I am looking at the schedule and on back-to-back Tuesday nights in November, Weeks 12 and 13, Akron hosts UMess and State of Kent. That rapid clicking you heard was me checking on hotels and flights and then emailing the GameDay honchos to try to convince them to do shows from Akron with me for seven straight days. That one solitary click you heard was them hanging up on me.

9. State of Kent (1-2)

The Golden Flashes in the Pan lived up to that name, constructing a NSFW 21-play, 93-yard, 12-plus-minute drive to take a 28-24 lead over the Buffalo Bulls Not Bills with 2:38 remaining ... and then surrendering 76 yards on eight plays in 1:29 to lose their 24th straight FBS game, 17th straight MAC game and 11th straight conference game at home. That's not NSFW, that's NC-17. Shoutout to a year ago, when the Flashes' upcoming visit to Florida State would have been the Pillow Fight of the Week.

10. Flori-duh (1-2)

Speaking of NC-17, have y'all peeped Florida's schedule? It's the scariest thing I've seen since that time my family visited a Florida truck stop and my daughter bought what she thought was a souvenir rubber alligator, but then a few miles down the road it bit the dog.

Waiting list: Do You Know The Way to San Jose State, Northworstern, My Hammy of Ohio, Western Not Eastern or Central Michigan, Kennesaw Mountain Landis State, No-vada, the team that barely beat No-vada, Baller State, We're Not In Kansas State Anymore, replay reviews that make on-field refs quit.